Murder and Intimacy

April 4th 2023

I'm Listening to: Devistate by Saint Asonia

I'm feeling: Creative

I'm playing/watching: Minecraft

Hi, long time no blog? Read the last one for an idea on what was going on in my head. Obviously time as passed since then due to the fact I was focusing heavily on my mental health and I guess the short of it before I get on with the blog: things are getting better, and I hope it will continue.

One last thing- the one year anniversary of the site passed. I want to say thanks for viewing my page too, and I hope to give things a rehaul at some point. Here's to another year!

But, onto the actual blog!

I have been writing a LOT of fan fiction since October 2022, over 30k words of fic since then- which is more than I have ever written in the last years since 2013 combined. As I have gotten more and more comfortable in my writing I have thought a lot about what i enjoy writing. The themes, the scenes, the character dynamics... I hadn't realized it at first, but this has been great insight into what I like to tackle and how I could apply this to my original character stories as well. OC stories have sat around untouched with one roadblock in mind- the fact that I just cannot figure out what I want to write. How do I want to tackle it? Where do I put the focus?

So what is it that I enjoy writing? What occurs time and time again in my recent fics? Well, its... willing violence and willing intimacy. I add "willing" here to imply most of what I tackle has to do with characters choosing to fight because of some existing dynamic and choosing to be intimate because they are also close in that regard. You may wonder how the hell that is but the short of it is- I enjoy characters who have a complicated back and forth or whether or not they should kill each other or be intimate with each other. In the case of the fan fiction I write (which i won't specify just for the sake of keeping this out of search results) one addition is that no one really 'dies' because of the video game setting, they just respawn. So, I have a lot of room to use violence as much as I please.

But I gotta explain- its not JUST about characters who want to fight and love. It is a lot more than that. I will break it down with some of what I have written (with character names pull out). NOTE: all replacements made (Person A, B, C etc) are all the same people across all these examples.

Person A's eyes widened slightly as Person B tapped his chin with the sword, leaning his head back to avoid it further. His hands scuffed against the wall as he felt the bssure of Person B holding him against it.

"Whoa, I said slow down." Person A cleared his throat. "It's not gonna be satisfying if you rush things, you know."

This is a short snippet, but I want to focus on the dialogue first. I have greatly enjoyed writing dialogue and I think its what led me into writing violence like this. Because the first paragraph could be taken by itself as neutral, the way Person A talks is highly suggestive alone.

Here's another, much longer excerpt from a multi-part fic I have been writing that completely focuses on the dynamic I explained earlier. A much longer segment to further get the idea across.

Searing and burning, a struggle to not yell out in pain, left making gasps and sharp breaths. A blow above Person B's hip and right through the stomach for Person C. Immediately Person C knew he hadn't gotten the hit he needed, with the way that Person B's blade twisted against his innards. But he was still here, he was still standing there- eyes fluttering as he looked up at Person B. The drive, the bloodlust, faltered the more Person C felt that pain radiate through him. It felt like an eternity as he seemed to bpare for Person B to push it in further, for the killing blow to complete. It was getting to be too much, his sword falling to the floor as he gripped Person B for support.

"Are you-" Person C voice was breathless, "Are you going to-"

Person B blinked. "Do you...want me to?"

It was a rhetorical question, probably. But as Person C saw the red sbad across his white shirt, blood starting to drip to the floor, he couldn't help giving in. But he hated to admit it. The background noise of the hub was unnoticed to them, but they were in the most inconvenient of places. Somehow Person C had it in himself to feel embarrassed, of all things. He wasn't keeping track of their surroundings, but he hoped no one had caught any of this.

The hesitance to admit lowered the longer they stood there.

b>"Okay, yes- please," Person C's voice was quiet as he finally said it, "and hurry it up- we're making a freaking mess over here."

There was a short chuckle from Person B. "Yeah... maybe not in public next time."

This one was my first solid comparison to violence and intimacy between two characters willing to do so. 1) The description of the violent interaction. Gasping, struggling not to make noises, eyes fluttering... the mere writing of "push it in" regarding a sword to kill him (...I do this one a lot). The fact they were in public and didn't want to be seen, being embarrassed he was being killed out in the open. Yeah I think... I think this gets my idea across very well. And I have written this kind of thing through multiple fics at this point.

I think one of my biggest drives towards this, and my realization of it in other media was the autopsy from Disco Elysium. The scene, as gruesome as some of description was, also made it so strangely intimate. The main character handles the body delicately, caressing it or running his hand through its hair. But it turns to a more suggestive tone when it comes to putting your hand into his mouth, pushing past the flesh and wiggling in to grab a bullet lodged inside him- a bullet that lodged itself through his skull because he was killed in the middle of an orgasm no less.

Which brings me to another part of this too- that comparison to intimacy and the aftermath of violence. Disco Elysium did it in an admittedly gross way with a dead body, in a very literal sense. But it can still be applied to similar interactions, like what I have written here:

His clothes were warm and sticky with the blood that spilled from Person C's body. A stripe of deep red across his shirt. Dotting the white fur rim of his hood, his dark mask, the side of his pants. What a horrid reminder of death to have. Person B would have bferred to simply remember the warmth of Person C's body when it fell against him. So he held onto that, no matter how gruesome- it felt like the last moment of intimacy he could have now.

The reminder of someone's body and the intimate moments you had being the warmth of blood seeping through your clothes and the still warm body you held... this one is less about the love/hate dynamic of murder and sexual innuendos. But the violence remains and the intimacy remains.

Where does this lead me? Well, as I said I have felt very directionless on what I enjoy writing... Of course my whole OC story cant just be murder and intimacy. But its taught me how I handle writing topics. What can I compare this thing to another thing? Does this comparison bring out something new in the characters? Can I use it to explore something deeper they can't recognize? One last things I wrote, a very meta character study, puts this down blatantly.

The theater of something that could be oddly personal and yet intimate. Because next to the intimacy of love stood that of murder- to allow someone the proximity to kill you. To reach in close, take down your defences, then face the blade and fall to your knees. An act that could be so special, and there was nothing better than making it a drama for others to witness.

How do these character feel when in close proximity- in any context? Violence makes this an interesting way to think about it when looking at one on one fights because there is a lot to question about how one may feel in that moment. Hatred and anger are expect- but what about when they are conflicted? Desperate? Sad? On the other end- enjoying it? It brings a lot of question into why, and the reason I choose what people love to call a hate-fuck relationship or enemies-to-lovers but always enemies is because it tackles both extreme ends of the discussion. Taking something often seen as a horrible thing (murder) and comparing it to the utter loving opposite (intimacy) is an incredibly fun thing to do. There's no other way to put it- fitting these opposites together is incredibly entertaining to me and I will always love that I had this realization in my writings.

Overall I have been happy I am so inspired to write these last many months- sometimes its hard to not feel like fan fiction is "pointless" because its not original, but it does give me all kinds of room to experiment and explore, and I am seeing how useful it actually is to write all this.

Want to hit me up about this blog? email me!