July 17th 2022
I'm Listening to: Lakeland Echo by Sea Power
I'm feeling: uhghhhh
I'm playing/watching: Disco Elysium (yes, still)
Well the laat month has certainly not fallen in to place like I hoped... I put off updating my site for various reasons as I was trying to get more on art, and with artfight over the horizon I planned to go hard on it. Admittedly I have never been too into artfight and I generally don't care much if I don't fulfill that many attacks. But I was hit with depression and have slowly lost my drive to create for the last weeks, and I could feel it bubbling up in the form of burn out. Like any burn out it was easy to dismiss it and think I'd be good in a week, and keep lightly picking away at stuff
Buuut that didn't really happen. I have been tackling a LOT of stuff, new stuff even, and it is overwhelming finding the energy for all of it mostly when its out of my comfort zone. On top of just trying to draw I was constantly hounded by my thoughts of things i wanted to do different/get better at while failing to give myself time to do that, because I wanted to also... work on my website, make videos, stream, etc etc. Too much stuff all at once and I couldn't get myself to slow down even as I wad burning out!
Of course stress leads to pain and my sleep was horrible at this point, so in the last few weeks I have slowed down to doing Nothing. And seeing doctors again because I was slacking a lot on figuring out my chronic pain issues after covid, so there's that. It was at least something I could do in the midst of this to feel I was making some kinda progress.
Soooo its been a slow few weeks of allowing myself to just chill, but no doubt have I been in a bit of a depression these last weeks, which I think was coming to a rise for quite some time until I finally crashed. And of course I wanted to fill my time with something, but even playing video games was just too much for me.... and every tv show I was watching has gone on hiatus now... Youtube has been a bit barren for me as I was mostly watching streams which are better for background noise and I didn't always find entirtaining all the way through so I was kinda just clicking around until I saw some posts that reminded me of youtubers I haven't watching in years (like ten years).
Considering I have written two blogs about minecraft youtubers of the past and present, I guess its not all too surprising I'm nostalgic and I decided to go and check out the guys I used to watch ten years ago. Because they have been blowing up on tumblr- and I was honestly shocked people were talking about them... Apparently some new smp series is of some hermitcraft members, and those guys i used to watch are in it. Namely, the people I went to check out again after all this time were ethoslab and bdoubleo100. Decided it may be nice to sink into some depression weeks while being nostalgic as heck- given these guys aren't wildly different than when i watched them. I don't watch a lot of gamers/let's players because I am not into a lot of extroverted commentary styles- loud people lol.
Of course for summer depression me, little did i realize i trapped myself in an endless supply of videos to keep myself lazy and unmotivated- i have missed at least 8-9 years of these guys.... even if i catch up on this new thing, there will be loads of videos i can go back to. Hell, I could rewatch mindcrack too since it's been so long and I barely remember the details... So yeah, off i went to watching minecrafters i haven't watched in ten years. Whoops!
Its been like two weeks of these videos at least. And for a bit here I was feeling kinda bad I was sucked into just binging YT videos, because man. My whole month of July just kinda went down the drain. I very badly wanted to draw more, really. Its fun and I enjoy it! but i couldn't will myself to do it. And now I'm watching YT day after day. Its annoyingly turned into a bit of a compulsive urge (thanks OCD) day after day now where I literally struggle to not sit down and fulfill this small ritual of watching some more videos after every basic task I am making... But my excitement and joy over these videos hasn't been in vain- they make me feel good and it makes me feel a little better, its inspiring me slowly and making me think about things to tackle next. Admittedly these sparks of inspiration often become very ambitious and overwhelming so, it may not result in much... I very much have to solve the issue of focusing on things. But regardless, I am happy that I did go back to watch these youtubers, its at least a little something I to drive my thoughts away from negativity while I ride of this depression.
I guess thats that on how July has gone. I'm not gonna put myself down for not fulfilling what I hoped- this happens, and I'm still seeking out more help (therapy is good but I think i need meds now) and sometimes some months just end up like this. But I have ideas and things I wanna do, so they'll happen eventually! Much work to get done once I ease out of these feelings and get back on my feet.