Hmmm i am trying to write a bit more here when it comes to topics to ramble about, that i don't want to put on my normal 'social media' aka tumblr because thats all i use. i also ramble on my private twitter which is the only twitter i use, and im trying to not do that for every single thing on my mind like that because then you get a twitter thread that is 12 tweets long that no ones gonna even see anyways. and blogging more openly about things i feel strongly about feels a bit more cathartic than that, even if no one is still gonna see it. however i did talk about this on my priv twitter already lol, which is fine because it is a sensitive ramble and it helped get my thoughts more solid and less angry and in the moment. so to get the quick warning out of the way: rambling about tv industry, that new documentary 'quiet on set', which goes over sexual abuse (this blog isnt going to detail those things but because the show is referenced and the culture of the industry containing that, im warning for it)

whenever it comes to the topics of the entertainment industry, namely tv (live or animated), i feel very specific about it. its something i am 'around' and have been forever. not because i work there, but because my dad does and has for longer than i have been born. as a well hired editor he has been on various shows and has been in various studios. of course, with a dad like that, i had also many opportunities to be around it! like in person! meeting cool people, going to sets, sitting there watch them work for a day, etc etc. so "around" is what i mean. it was the fun thing attached to my life. outside of the productions my dad was on alone (which was sitcoms - some adult and some for kids), i had the privilege of visiting cartoon network studios for... a huge portion of my life (the reasons are long and maybe too identifying, i will just say he basically did a thing for the guy in charge and it was a "Let me pay you back for that!" thing). from age 11 or so, up to my internship in 2019, before the pandemic started and the studio basically dissolved. i was more ingrained in the animation stuff, because i do art, but especially age 15 onwards i took all the time i could to go with my dad for work because i wanted to be in that industry. it was so fun! it really was. so many great people, so many fun things.

while i was pretty young for a while of this and obviously didnt know some deeper details, there was a point where i kind of did. its hard to not run across some of the allegations that come up in the industry even if i was a young teen. still, it wasnt the places i had been, so i didnt think much of it. however towards the end of one show my dad worked on i remembered hearing from him about dan schneider. mainly that there was a possible job he could take on a new show, but he was quickly warned by a friend who worked with dan, that it was a nightmare to work with him. and that my dad would not last with the personality my dad had (lol). so he didn't take it. i heard a bit more about the complaints about working with dan but, what else was there to say then? not much. time went on and a bit before dan was let go from nick, was when some people my age were kinda looking back on his shows and the jokes... and then, he was let go. and then janette's book came out. and now this documentary.

so when i say i have very specific feelings, its the whole... being "around" it. and i know my dad feels similarly, literally working alongside some of these kids. the feeling that i walked right past it figuratively and maybe even literally. and not just that of course, but all the positives of the industry that you dont even see the negatives. sure, we have heard the stories of things like that. but its very different when youre there and youre having fun, everyones having fun. but that stuff is happening, just not there. its happening but of course you dont know, thats how it goes. this isnt about it "tainting" my past, its just defining the discomfort on looking back. there is no reason to bury the good fun i had, that was all real. even these actors talk about how they were genuinely having fun many times. but standing in the middle of an industry with no awareness or immediate thought about what can be committed under these studios hits in a weird way.

I wanted to be in that, i wanted to work in that industry so badly. honestly, the main thing that threw it all away for me was the pandemic, and i wouldnt say i am glad, like i 'dodged a bullet' because of all these feelings. i had loads of fun in my internship, i loved the people, i loved the studio. genuinely i think id enjoy the work with those kinds of people (its the only job environment i could enjoy in some form i think, even if i am also at peace with no pursuing that kind of work). and its not like i had denial either as i continued to aim for that career despite hearing these stories as i went, of course. i think that was a huge issue i fought with around 2017-2019 too. the knowledge and my own fears based on traumas. i knew, but i wanted the job, but i was almost afraid for myself? what if something bad happened to me? that is a horrible thought to have when going into any kind of job. "if i get this job will someone hurt me?" yeah. thats not a good thing.

that documentary has brought even more attention to dan schneider and the issues with his shows (and the convicted pedophiles) and the hard part about seeing other reactions is seeing people not really get how the industry works, or why certain things did or didn't happen. of course, the biggest one being people wanting dan in jail, somehow. which isnt possible, there is nothing illegal that he did. just a creepy weirdo asshole. and thats an issue too, not every person is going to be doing some full on illegal shit which causes further problems with bad people being tracked. the unique issue with the industry is how different relationships with people/actors/workers are. outside of the extreme personal boundaries broken by brian peck, directors/producers/etc look to have positive relationships with their actors because of the fact they need them. they need them on the show and if successful they want them for more in the future. it is far too easy of a dynamic where one can be manipulated/groomed/etc, and especially with kids why would you want to deny the positive relationship? if it means staying on the show. its a fast paced busy industry where even more influence from the public will undoubtedly change relationships too. how's the pr? the interviews? the showings etc? is everything going smooth? did you say something that fucked us over? its not a typical boss/employee dynamic.

i dont want to go on about specific allegations or confessions, just go watch that documentary or read janette mccurdy's book. matter is these kinds of topics always get my brain going. how i did yearn for a career of that kind while also growing awareness to those dangers, and how i had to fight that "what if something bad happened" so i could get the fun job i wanted. im sure nothing would have happened to me but its the fact that was a thought at all thats wild to look back on. and hearing it all over from people's personal accounts reminds me further how horrible it is to even know someone like me goes into the industry knowing that is a problem but that the job matters more. but sitting here right now im still filled with that dread of thinking of sitting in a studio that had some kinda history. just knowing i could be not far from something like that and not know it.