I was goin through some old journals on my old DA accounts- from oldest to newest: ashkaosuwolf, cyy-evee, and frosty-butt-- mostly deleting old journals that had way too much personal info in them (along with some art as well going into storage). but seeing some journals has been interesting. for one, knowing I browsed tumblr for almost a year in 2012 before actually making an account in Jan 2013. my URL at first was also spike-in-the-punch! which i returned to only just recently on tumblr, but without dashes but also have with dashes on an old webcore blog i made (the one in 2013 had dashes). BUT That is not the thing i am talking abt here.

I saw a journal I made where I basically was saying how I wanted to socialize less online, because I was getting stressed feeling like I needed to prioritize being online and answering messages over other things. I know in that time I was obsessed with RP on instagram (again this was 2013) and I know I was staying up all day to RP. I was always super attached to online spaces and escaped to them a lot. But I guess I was aware how bad it was bc it was stressful. Something I typed was "you may see my status as 'away' (or "do not disturbed") because I don't want people to think I am online all the time". And I didn't really think about how like... that has 100% Been how I have existed online ever since. I don't want people to ever see my status as "online" because I don't want people to just message me like normal/I don't wanna hear the the noises. While i still was chronically online after and I don't think I ended the stress entirely, I think I have better achieved that in the last few years actually. Now that I have dropped some social media and whatnot.

As I was writing this blog I was kinda going around various accounts, namely those old DA accounts. I think every now and then about how much lesser my presence is on the internet. Which, isn't to say I never exist online/hardly post. The places I post the most are my fandom sideblogs but... aside from that (and even those go inactive from time to time) like...? I rarely post on tumblr if it isn't art or a link to here. I basically dont use twitter and if I do I am promoing some art. I only dump art to DA or sheezy. Etc. But on a personal level, like talking and sharing things casually a lot (like you would typically do on IG or Twitter) I just don't do. And I am glad for that. In some ways... it feels lonely in a different way? Maybe its because all socializing has now gone to Discord... and boy thats a whole topic in its own. Having everything move there has limited my ability to make new friends. But online in the public spaces I used to post in, I just don't like posting in now so!

There is good and bad to it in that way. The fact that I would like to be more present online publicly because I DO want to connect and make friends in specific communities. But I go through my old accounts and delete stuff bc there are way too many posts where I was just revealing WAY too much shit. Of course, I do know better now. But not having that much of a existence in the form of text posts actually feels great... I want to post my art, I want to interact. But I otherwise I would like to be one of those creators who just exists with very little information being spread across all my accounts online. It isn't all gone, it's just that I don't want to make that a casual thing for myself... I Just want to exist as a simply username online.