so hi this will be a long blog again about nostalgia lol BUT i wanna mention website wise-- i have some plans visually!!! and i am excited but its gonna be some work. i also really really wanna learn javascript properly so i can use it for fun little things on my website. so! some things may get messy on the landing page and home page. You will also see some pretty obvious visual color changes too too, getting rid of the green and going with black.

i was tryin to use Spacehey (profile here) more as a blogging kinda place since i dont actually use tumblr that way and spacehey is a preferable format in terms of no stress about numbers and whatnot. But anyways i talked on there about nostalgia and stuff esp in regards to how i took up scene fashion in while back. I always felt a bit alone in the fact i was one of those kids who couldnt dress scene because of my parents (mom)- likely because i had jealousy of kids who did dress scene. i know i wasnt the only one and it probably explains the reason for some revival even outside of the gen z who are taking it up. i am getting into it now because i couldnt when it was relevant. i wanted it so bad. there werent loads of actual scene kids in my school(s) but i knew a couple and i was online so i saw all the cool fashion there, i watched videos, etc.

i am getting pretty far in making my closet scene- main thing is trying to find looks for my hair that i like, and trying to see if i can get myself to wear skirts. but really what my thoughts are lately is just... the way my brain attaches to nostalgia. i know i have spoken before that a lot of this is based around "i never got to have this because of my abusive/traumatizing home life so i am reclaiming it now" but another thing is instead of thinking about the present i have right now with it, i still get caught up in all the "but what if i was doing this back then". an almost romanticizing mindset of what i wish i had, what it would be like, etc. It makes me sad because i still cant get that and never will. "imagine if you were dressing like this is middle school" "imagine if you got to go to that festival" "what would your friends be like if you got to be that?" "could this bright outward expression have helped you cope?" those last ones, and especially the last one about coping, get me trapped most. i could think all i want about how different my life would have been if i had been able to express myself as a teenager because that is one of the most important things about growing up. and That is what i get stuck on, because that "what if" leads to a snowball of soooo many more things i wish i did.

when i sit back and just imagine that better past, im not sure i would say its all romanticizing. because that would say its unrealistic- like if i was to assume highschool is always cool like in the movies, that would be romanticizing. but to imagine myself dressing scene, feeling confident, hanging out with more friends, taking up things i wouldnt have because i never felt good about myself... i can't not see the images of me at the mall with friends, seeing a show, asking to actually Do Shit. actually DO THINGS. my lack of doing things was because i did not have the mindset. i did not feel good about myself, i did not have confidence, and i had and abusive parent who made me feel that i could never be allowed to do those things because of how she'd react before. i missed my "chance" at finding that childhood but i know full well it wasn't up to me, it was outside of my control.

im fighting to drop the fixating on the past and tell myself "ok then do that now" but i do still lack the ability to do Those Things. 1) i cannot drive so my independence in terms of finding place to go is limited. and if i were to try and push myself to find things around me without a car, 2) i live in boring ass (white person city mostly full of old people and nothing to do). part of me never wants to live in a big city but at the same time i know i would have so much more i could do lol. so i kinda wish i did. but yeah thats the kinda the conflict i have faced for a while here and its tough working it out when i also have little ability to go and do more anyways. not being able to go out to events easily or just be outside somewhere fun. like what do i do? go to the dying mall with nothing busy but the food court?? yeah.