So many things, to little things, everythings

September 12th

I'm Listening to: Me & Jesus by Dan Warren

I'm feeling: weird

I'm playing/watching: Eidolon (game)

Well, its certainly been a Past Few Months. Updating has become slower and I already mentioned why in my last post. Its frusterating but at the same time, time is passing in dissociated blinks that I don't even realize time has passed, and thus I don't really spend all those days upset that I didn't do much. Things are happening and I am Managing. This isn't to say everything has been bad its just weird. I am trying medications, and the first one didn't work. Basically spent a whole month tired as fuck, in my house, alone. Doing practically nothing... It made me drowsy but it gave me insomnia and I changed around what time I took it (as my psych reccomended) but it didn't improve. So I stopped that (strattera) and moved on to the next one- wellbutrin. And I have been on it for a good... three weeks? But started at a low 100mg due to my strong reactions to the last med (sleep issues were just One of the problems on strattera...) and the first two weeks didn't feel different. Still been horribly distracted, in and out of fixation and depression and whatever. This week has been a tad different, but not sure its the medication and if it is, I guess I may need to bump up the dose. I had a weird burst of energy and I did a lot of stuff today, stuff I typically find "boring" and never want to do (yard work, laundry)... but I still felt "scattered". I had no idea what to focus on, I still had memory issues too. I'd still be doing the thing I typically do when I feel a 'motivation high' and want to fixate on something to do, where I jump around to multiple things. But the difference is usually I don't actually finish anything, so at least today I actually did numerous things. I spent a few hours on the tedious task of oto-ing my UTAU voicebank and actually read up on ways to improve my CV oto. And now I'm writing this blog post.

So.... its good-ish. This is the first day where I think something kicked in, but after those few early hours I hit 4pm-5pm and now my energy is sapped. My eyes feel tired, like I don't want to keep them open. That would be good if it was when I actually need to sleep. It may be the low dose, so we'll have to wait and see. Otherwise I haven't had any sleep ruining side effects which is important. Bad sleep destroys me.

Of course I have been playing some games- I have been a bit back and forth on Minecraft due to being so busy IRL this last week, but I did get my server set up on my second PC as I am now using a new PC I built (did I mention that? I don't think so). My plan is to do some minecraft streams on my creative server and invite mutuals and friends to it. theres a smp and a creative server, and I don't aim for this to be anything big but I'd love to have friends who stream join in as I'd like to get more into streaming with other people, mostly on a server where we can all have fun!

Splatoon 3 also just came out and I have been playing almost nonstop, except today as my wrist begs me to fucking slow down. I have enjoying it a lot and the singleplayer is intriguing me a lot, i really loved the lore in the octo dlc so I am enjoying the vibes here. Outside of Splatoon, I booted up a game I haven't touched since 2015- Eidolon from Ice Water games.

I made a short little tumblr post about this already, so I will paste it here to summarize my thoughts:

Jumping between splat 3 and an eidolon replay (or finally finishing it w a new profile) so I can rest my hands after all the squid fun.

Eidolon is such an interesting game to me still just in the fact it has a mere 190 reviews overall. It got attention after Proteus but not that much? Sure its survival is minimal and not impressive, but it's really about the calm journey and the 150+ documents to discover, and the way the world unravels. I'd spent 10 hours in that game back in 2015 and didn't finish it, mostly because I wasn't the best gamer. I died a lot because I forgot how to fish and hunt.

But now I'm jumping back in, making a new game because I'd like to go through it naturally all over again. The lore and world was the biggest impact on the impressions I wanted Cryptolalia to leave, and I realize as I play again that I really love stories where you uncover something that has already happened.

My story isn't that.. but it's the feeling of missing something you don't yet understand. And the way you feel as it opens up before you. It's a feeling I can't pin down, like I missed something I wanted to be there for, while knowing it's just a fictional story I'll never be more involved in. Portal, sagebrush, eidolon, outer wilds, etc... these games making me wish I could go back in time to see it all from the start.

Idk how long Eidolon will take for me to get through now. It's pretty lax, so I'm going to be chill about how much I play but gosh, if you want a very chill game w lots of reading to pass the time, I recommend it greatly. The music is nice, visuals are soft, and there's no consequences to dying even tho survival is a game play thing.

So That game will be a nice break between Splat3, and I hope I will keep up with it. Its a pretty chill game so it's not...super stimulating, but the lore was so cool and I want to properly finish it. I've consumed some other media in the last weeks too- like League of Their Own on amazon which I quite liked, and I am catching up on Primal season 2 which I always remember how much of a inspiring art peice it is.

Sighs. Its been a weird last two months though, and it took me a while to get back up and socialize, but I was getting antsy even if the last med made me exhausted. I'm still annoyed and upset by the way ADHD and OCD hinder my abilities to create and finish projects though. The hopelessness of feeling that invigorating fixation drift away, knowing I will fall into a depression until my brain finds something new. I hate that. I keep fearing this will occur with what I have been doing-- this website, minecraft & minecraft videos, my attempts to learn toki pona right now. Things that would be productive and fun but still "work"... And the infinite number of artistic things I never bring to life.

But that's enough complaining, I just haven't written a big blog in quite some time, but I am starting to get the juice to work on my website again, maybe make some small shrines for things, hopefully update my about page.