Where The Fuck & When The Fuck

December 30th 2022

I'm Listening to: Everyone's A Jerk by The Brobecks

I'm feeling: Unsure

I'm playing/watching: Psychodyssey Documentary

I think it is that time where I write another blog... The website here has been slow for months due to so many other things and I like to use this site as an outlet for Big feelings and updates and life related dumps. I dont want to use this as a place to sigh and talk about all the things I'd like to do with the website cuz it's just stuff that... will happen when or if it happens.

The thought for this blog is just, wtf is going on? I know its not a thing I haven't voiced before. I feel directionless, and I struggle to hold my energy for literally any project I want to see through (most glaringly its a problem on all creative ones). Too many stories I would like to tell that I just... can't get out. They don't get progress. I am on a road to figuring this out in a more psychiatric way, in the sense of going to see a neuropsych soon and starting mood stabilizers.

I feel like I always go through waves of interest. If i am not gonna make a job out of art (old wishes to be a storyboard artist or char designer), then what will i do? Okay, i like the sound of cartoon production! Hm, not sure if i wanna do cartoon production, what else? Oh, I know-- I fight myself on whether or not these are logical progressions of thoughts or just my brain's inability to focus. And its not to say I can't have multiple choices, but I never get to even fulfill the idea to see if I'd like it anyways. I move on so quick when something catches my attention. Sure, I may be pretty decided in not doing an art intensive job in order to keep it in a hobby/personal place but why tf am I switching gears again?

I don't think I can be mad exactly. But it feels like the more I chase things the more I have no idea what's going on. And the inability to even get something done makes this all the more hopeless feeling.

Sorry, i dont mean for this to get so negative, because in actuality i wanted to talk about those new interests. Or growing ones i have had for a while. So what am I steering towards? Its been video games, for some time. May have always been there in the background too. But I think it has sat as an "unachievable" for forever. I mean, I love video games. And in my recently aging years I have come more and more to thinking video games are the best form that art could ever take. The personal interactions with video games have always made me feeling more connected to it than anything else, and the idea of someone getting to have their own unique interaction with art in that way is so cool to me. It made me think often that, if i were to tell stories, I would want that to be the form it takes.

But again, it seemed impossible. Video games take a lot of work. Maybe I could learn the art stuff, but... well, there is the coding part, that is what scared me off. Maybe I could use some engines with a lot of extra code help provided but, truly I didn't think I could make any of the things I hoped to make with just that and being on my own. The solution would be to may learn about coding but, that was the "scary" part. Not because code is a whole different ball game but because I just had this problem in my head were I was like.. "that is numbers and math. I'm bad at math. I will never be able to take a class on this in a college setting either because i was bad at school."

My learning has always been a mess, and even right now as i tip toe around coding, i feel like i know i have interest in this. I think the technical stuff is neat but i have always just thought i couldnt "learn" it due to all the mental struggles of actual learning- you know, the conclusion that i may just be too stupid to change anything. That all my knowledge would stay surface level because i cant change that. But i badly dont want that to be the case... i want to learn code. I know i could do it, i feel i have that interest enough. But i sigh and sit back as i think, oh well... you know i have failed to hold onto this stuff before, is it worth dedicating my brain to this? Because i am not going to acheive what i want to acheive in a way id hope i can. I have fallen in and out of my attempts to learn over and over in the past year. I focused real hard to finish this website and it was majorly in a manic episode-- and thats the one problem symptom i am dealing with. The cool times i finish something is undeniably due to that and until i realized that i for one, thought those times were cool! Like wow, look! I actually did a thing! And then I crashed to depression and was like "my god, why cant i just do that all the time? What is going on? I really suck at focusing". Anything i learn in a manic episode could be enough to do something great with but, that doesnt last long enough to make anything of it- or even though it seems great i get shit done in those episodes, manic episodes also lead to being too overwhelmed by the feelings to where i dont get stuff done still. Manic episodes arent what solved the problem, it still caused problems.

While my therapy has lead to a lot of good since i started the one that worked (its DBT), i have been at a consistent roadblock of... okay, i have learned some good skills. It has helped with a lot of emotional functioning. I understand my feelings more and acan handle myself better, being more mindful. But what i have not solved is the cognitive... my brain, my mood, my focus. There is a sort of comfort in being able to sit back and be mindful as it stops a lot of looping bad feelings for all this subject. But it leaves me in this... near bored, under stimulated state, where i just know i badly Want to do the thing. I can feel my passion. But i am unable to do it.

The neuropsych should be able to... answer a lot of these questions, so this is just. Airing out my exhausted mind. It is sad to look at people in my life that make me think "man, imagine what i would be doing if i was neurotypical". Its not even in a jealous way, its just envy. It makes me happy to see people i know doing so well but it often pulls me to the "why am i not getting things done?". I know why, but in the moments of passion it becomes frustrating to not be able to do the thing you so badly want to do.

I would like to come back with a blog where i can say this has changed, because so much has changed, and this can change. I am tired of working so hard, but i know that doesnt just stop for anything, even good things.

Want to hit me up about this blog? email me!